Plainly speaking..

10 07 2009

i love hanging out with the favouritest. no pressure. no expectations. we are comfortable as we are, with one another and with ourselves. where chemistry and connection ain’t engineered. lots of spontaneous fun. just that there’s always the bit on gender issues when we try to discuss travel plans. and i always tell them my market value has gone down because i frequently hang out with them.

they frequently talk about me. or rather, make fun of me. my eyes – “so big”. my “curly hair”. my unique inclination toward a certain race/type. why do i allow them to do this to me!

anyhow, boss asked if i can see myself with kids in future or in a relationship at this point.. i said i like the idea of a relationship for the sake of it. i’ve never been in a relationship, i can’t quite imagine what it is like. i enjoy my freedom alot (maybe too much). as much as i wonder WHY (!!) i’ve never been in a relationship, i am secretly happy with the current situation (even though i sometimes wonder if i am really developmentally subnormal). the freedom mostly. i dont like to have to feel that my happiness/mood depends on this one other person etc. i have seen from my friends’ egs that the highs get deliriously high and the lows get depressingly low. it’s too much for me. or maybe the person with the right ‘fit’ just hasn’t appeared. yet.

one other thing i’ve been pondering about is my view about God, about Christianity etc, since i’ve recently left church. which is something that some friends around me are shocked and/or deeply concerned about. i still believe in God.. but i don’t believe so much in organized religion anymore. very briefly, i just think that it demands more conformity than i am comfortable with. given that individuals are uniquely created, there has got to be room for more than one perspective, more than one definition.

some feel that they’ve ‘lost’ me. i just think that as we grow, things change. people and their views change. what is suitable for us at one phase may not be at the next.

at this point, i am comfortable with the decision i made.. i remember Dr Paulin Straughan (who’s gonna be an NMP!) say to me before that “God never lets us stray too far from Him”. i still believe that. i still believe that He watches over me.. and that the work that i do is a God-given privilege. few people can truly say they enjoy their work, or find their work intensely meaningful. i believe that the fulfillment i find from work doesnt come by chance.

the first few palliative patients i met taught me the most important survival skills in life.. the first one taught me to face life bravely. the second one taught me that life is like a winding road, just take it as it comes. the current one just showed me that you need to know what you want.

i just want to live the full spectrum of life.

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3 responses

12 07 2009
neo

Embracing challenges,
Allowing growth,
Chiam becomes unstoppable!
HAHA.

13 07 2009
el

Hey ailing! I don’t deny that I’m shocked to realize you’ve left church…I get my updates abt you here, coz I hardly get to see you around recently. =P But whatever happened, I just want you to know that you still have a friend in me. We may not have connected as deeply as we would want to, and I agree too that chemistry is so important….I’m happy to know you’re finding so much satisfaction in your career. God is really good. =)

I hope we get to meet each other still, though I know there may be a lot that’s keeping that from happening. I hope we can still find room in this friendship to do stuff like catching up on things we never really did in the past coz many things were happening at the same time. I still remember our conversation @ Cityhall mrt that was a brief 10 mins, but it held the deepest and most enjoyable memory of our friendship.

This is a long one….just wanna share this out! You’re in my prayers.

=) Enling

14 07 2009
jane!

hello ling! and i heartily agree with you 100%! whether to be in a church is a personal choice and seriously, whatever floats your boat, babe. haha, welcome to the dark side! and truth be told, we all love you for who and what you are – a real individual – so stay that way!

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