feeling unequal

8 06 2010

i had always wanted to work with this non-mainstream population. perhaps it has a lot to do with my study on ‘coming out’ in uni.

there’s a huge stigma attached to them and the illness they often battle alone.

now that i am actually working with them, i realize how tough and involving and draining it can be. the needs, the complexity, the load, the expectations, the stigma.

it makes me question all that i know and all that i have. it shakes my entire being.

questions about whether i am even cut out to be a social worker. questions about what the future holds for me to continue in this line for a while more. questions about my capacity to handle stress. questions about God. where is He in all this? it’s difficult to answer the last question now that i’ve left church. of course i know that God is not confined to a man-made institution, but a part of me wonders if things would be different if i were still in church.

would i find this work less of a struggle? i think not. maybe my question should be how to find God in this. maybe the need is to answer for myself why i am in this.

doing this work makes me realize how weak i really am. of course, i am also becoming stronger each day, it’s an up-and-down line with a very gradual upward trend.

all the struggle for the sake of becoming a more competent social worker. and yes, this is what i’m made for.

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One response

10 06 2010
coco

i like! i have drawn out a visual graph for myself. resonated with your apt description of perceived weakness in face of growth

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